Women on top

Women on top

Today’s blog post is highly inspired by a conversation I had with a (male) friend.  

Ambition in its simplest form, is what sparks individuals to achieve. For some, it’s about improving yourself and meeting your goals, and for others it’s about changing the status quo. Ambition is viewed as a positive trait, unless you are a woman. The phrase “ambitious woman” is usually accompanied by a judgy look, while the phrase “ambitious man” is usually accompanied with a look of approval or envy.

There is this double-standard whereby men are praised for being assertive and successful, whereas women receive backlash for the same traits. In the workplace, we are expected to perform well and deliver the same level of performance, yet we are frowned upon for being empathetic.  Almost as if ambition and empathy cannot coexist. Ultimately, we have to demonstrate the right amount of ambition to be taken seriously, but not so much we’re seen as a freight train.

And when a woman is ambitious in the workplace, she is also penalized in the dating world. It’s no secret that men like the idea of having a smart woman, but when it comes to actually being with one, they feel their intelligence is being threatened. Do we now have to dumb ourselves down to appeal to a larger pool of men?

I had a conversation with a male friend the other day, and we somehow ended up talking about ambitious women. In short, my viewpoint was that women should experience ambition fully-even if that means being more successful than your (male) partner- without the negativity that comes with it. My friend’s viewpoint was that yes, women should be allowed to be ambitious, but that we should also consider our male partners and how our ambition affects them. He even referred to religion to justify his view (something that will not be covered in this post) and how it is a man’s innate instinct to want to protect and care for a woman. Side note: I find it interesting how people are quick to reference religion when faced with a liberal philosophy. While I objectively listened and respected his view, I was taken aback by the discourse that women should consider their male partners. It perpetuates the idea that women constantly have to compromise and prioritise other’s needs (and egos) above their own.

While society has made progression in terms of women being ambitious, the idea that a woman cannot be more ambitious than her male counterpart still exists. For many, the ideal woman is a combination of Barbie, Michelle Obama and Martha Stewart. But if she’s a Marilyn vos Savant, or just generally a pushy, sharp woman, we are quick to insult her and say, “You’re very ambitious”, which is code for mostly bad things. As a woman, saying “I got lucky” when achieving some sort of success is acceptable, but saying “I deserve this because I worked hard” is much less socially acceptable, and this is largely because femininity has traditionally been wrapped up in notions of self-sacrifice. We see evidence of this on Mother’s Day, when women are celebrated for putting themselves last for 364 days of the year. But the tempering of girls’ ambition begins before motherhood. It is common for a teenage girl to play down her ambition in fear of being labeled as a showoff because competitiveness is equated to bitchiness. All these insults are used to keep female ambition in line. So, ambitious women tend to get the bad rap, whether it is at home, in the workplace or in the dating world.

Seems like the only place we should strive to be on top is in the bedroom.