Coaches don’t play- they used to play.

Coaches don’t play- they used to play.  

Disclaimer: I’m not a relationship expert. I am merely sharing my observations, some of which you’ve probably seen, heard of or experienced for yourself. If that is the case, let this post serve as a reminder. 

Love is one of the most profound experiences known to human beings. It’s the one thing we’re all capable of doing. It exists in many forms, but romantic love seems to be the most sought after. Many people seek to express themselves in romantic relationships with a compatible partner. And for them, romantic relationships compromise one of the most meaningful aspects of life, and serve as a source of deep fulfilment.

As with most valued treasures in this world, we run into trouble pursuing romantic love. The questions many of us ask ourselves are: Why are relationships so hard today? Why do we fail every time despite trying so hard? My own question is this: why do we suck at relationships? I will attempt to answer this question based on two common threads I’ve  observed in most failing relationships: idealization and social media.

Idealization

Idealization is a big contributor as to why so many relationships fail. While it is often expected for couples to idealize each other, it could have negative effects on the relationship. People may believe that their partner’s overly optimistic views will help them become more positive and shape them to be a better person, which may or may not be true. Its almost as if we are viewing this person how we would like them to be, instead of seeing them for who they really are. This then opens up the floor for painting red flags green. 

Not only do we idealize our partners, but we also idealize the relationships of others. We see other couples going on “baecations” and date nights, wearing matching outfits and doing photoshoots and we ask ourselves: Why are my partner and I not doing that? We compare our relationships with those of others and we perceive their relationships to be unchallenged and effortlessly better. We get a “grass is greener” mentality and start to wonder if there is someone better out there. 

We’re enticed by the thrill and excitement more than by the love. We want someone to watch movies with and party with. We want to spend time together and make memories so we’re constantly looking for something to do because we want to feel alive. We chase materialistic dreams, almost like we want the relationship to be just a convenience. And when the excitement fades and the honeymoon phase is over, we discover that we’re not prepared for the mundane. When the boring times and silence begin, we get awkward and uncomfortable because we know nothing about comfortable silence. Side note: I’ve realized that many people equate silence to awkwardness. And when they get to the silent stage, they suddenly feel like they have nothing in common, therefore deciding to call it quits.

Social media

Technology has brought us closer to the point where it is impossible to breathe, but ironically driving us apart at the same thing. For the busy individuals, physical presence has been replaced by texts, videocalls and phone calls, and while we have our own lives, spending time together, without the interference of a “no connectivity” videocall is important. Now that doesn’t mean that we must have deep conversations for the time together to be meaningful. Just touching base or asking their opinion on something can make a big difference. 

Girls are more likely than boys to view social media as a space for emotional connection. We often view social platforms as an important feature of showing love and affection, and when that doesn’t happen, we start to question the love our partner has for us. One thing that I have yet to fathom is when there is a silly fight between lovers, one partner (generally the girl) is quick to update a status with a sad quote. I’m always fascinated by the things that the girls in relationships on my Whatsapp share- I know when she’s fighting with her boyfriend for being out on a Sunday night with the boys. What’s funny about it, is that the guy couldn’t be bothered. In my opinion, this act only lets the public into an affair that is supposed to be private. 

The 21st century of adults have an entitled attitude which creates a selfish outlook on relationships. It also makes people only care about their needs in the relationship. Now someone might say that it is good to be selfish, and that you shouldn’t have to compromise your needs in a relationship. I AM NOT disputing that, but I do believe that there needs to be some sort of compromise in a relationship because it takes two to tango. 

Those of you who know me might find this post ironic. But you know what they say, “coaches don’t play”.